Slightly Less Stupid

It's Thursday here in Portland, and real Northwest Spring is here. It's somewhat clear, cold, and just a little damp. Better than cold ass pouring rain. And actually, a nice shift from the intense sun we had for the 4 days previous. 

I'm sitting at a little coffee shop down the street from Leah and Gabe's place. I'm trying to caffienate my way out of one of the more intense, sleep-deprivation- induced moods I've been in in quite some time. So far it's not working as fast as I would like. But it's working. Maybe that's why I got the words "SLOW DOWN" tattooed on my body. It is. I think of all those cheesy t-shirts and bumper stickers that annoyingly proclaim: "Attitude is everything." It's so annoying because when your attitude sucks, it really sucks to be reminded that if you want it to change- you have to change it. We love it when our attitude is positive. Not so much when we are negative. 

I know that I struggle with letting go of having to feel like perpetual force of positive energy (as well as being a pleaser). What an exhausting way to try to function!? This is turning into what may actually be my first true "Brandt Rant". Ha- only took me like 50 posts to get to a point where I can truly be myself and truly just rant. 

I'm just feeling the effects of a lot of different things all at once. I'm processing multiple significant events all at once. I am not a good multi-tasker. I suck at it. Plus I've just moved from the ultimate in predictable, calm (mostly), private (mostly) living spaces- into a transition period in which I am confronted with living in smaller space with multiple people. I am realizing just how much more I need lots of personal space when I've got so much running and racing through my brain. 

Ok, the caffeine is starting to kick in. Or, maybe I'm just actually starting to change my attitude. Probably a little bit of both. 

I think I'm being reminded how even when there's good things going on- when there's a lot of them and a lot of new transitions- it's stressful. I'm still learning how to do with my stress well. I know how to take time to myself. But sometimes when I'm stressed out (and lonely too) it's nice to have someone around. You know? I realize that this may be too much information for you all. But, after all, it is called "Brandt's Rants". 

What's really funny to me is how quick that title for this blog came to me. I am, afterall, a sucker for things that are shiny and rhyme. But what does strike me is how a lot of my writing has felt forced, performed, not truly flowing from the heart. And yet even that is perfect in the sense that this blog is truly the "process" for me. You all know me as one never short for words- and I am glad to have a forum to simply let go, write, and rant. 

One of my little dorky, obsessive quirks is noticing what the title and tone of the first song on Pandora as I start to write (Martin Sexton's "Black Sheep") -and this is the truly nerdy and neurotic part of me- and then being aware and patient enough to notice the last song and actually listen to it in its entirety before moving on to the next thing (Tracy Chapman's "New Beginning"). 

I am responsible for my attitude.

But caffeine and music help.

Thanks Yirgacheffe, Martin, and Tracy.