Flake-i-ness

It's spring break and it's snowing.

Perhaps its as a function of my Nordicness, but I love snow in a way that I have never and can't imagine being able to love rain. 

Moisture falling from the sky in flake form is so much more of a beautiful thing. Flakes float. Rain soaks. Snow calms. Rain stresses.

I mean there's a song that we sing to try to ward off the rain. There's no snow song equivalent.

Snowflakes have long been a metaphor for infinite complexity and uniqueness.

Rain, don't take this personally. You know that I do have a special place in my heart for a summer thunderstorm downpour. I love a spring shower.

Yes beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But I think sometimes the relationship between beauty and beholder is more complex than meets the eye.

Not unlike a snowflake.

The Other Pasture: Why's it Gotta Look So Damn Green?

I mean, I know why. You know why. So why can't I catch myself making it so green that all I want to do is run over to it and frolick naked and free? That's the real question.

So what the hell am I talking about?

I am talking about how today I had one of those, "it'll all be better when I'm not a student" moments. Not that unexpected seeing as how I'm a first year PhD student. Even less expected seeing as how I'm Isaac Curtiss Brandt. Man I can really be flighty and fantastical in my thinking. That last sentence was probably redundant.

Anyhow, after having a bit of a freak out after really contemplating what I think is the thin line between sacrificing and suffering. It's one thing to be consciously choosing the sacrifice of the lonely grad student life for the eventual satisfaction (and hoped for fulfillment) and security. It's quite another to just be unconsciously suffering through something (whatever the underlying motivation may be). I know, I know, I'm probably starting to sound a bit Freudian here. But stick with me.

Two things. One, I think that this is the first time in my life that I've committed to something requiring serious sacrifice. Two, I'm realizing that I didn't fully comprehend (really how could I have) just how big a sacrifice it would be to leave my close friendships, family, and familiar surroundings. Three (you knew there couldn't be just TWO things), I'm not good at sacrificing. I am extremely selfish. I am also extremely childish. I think it may ultimately just come down to the fact that I pretty much just want to play all the time. Can't do that in grad school.

Good news is that I do HAVE to play in order to be a healthy, effective grad student. Bad news is that I can't always play when I want to (which is pretty much all the time). Even harder news is that because I don't have that circle of close friends I can just call up to hang out with, I have to be willing to do things solo. The days I can just accept my loneliness, the grass in my pasture seems plenty green. Actually, when I'm in that accepting frame of mind, I don't even see that other pasture.

Funny how that works.

The Old and the New

I'm sitting in the outdoor amphitheatre on campus watching some friends throw a frisbee and feeling the warm spring sun temper the biting, winter wind still in the air.

You know how sometimes, when you're stressed, and someone asks you, "hey man, how are you?"- and despite all that's going on, you realize, perhaps only because you had to really stop and think about it, that you are doing quite well despite all that's going on. Yeah, that's me today.

I just finished writing a letter outlining that I am planning to break my lease at my current apartment. This may come as a real shock to the few of you who actually read this (namely you mom), and I think probably did somewhat to my landlord. However, I have been more or less for the last month sleeping in my living room as there is water in my bedroom. The mold that was growing on the walls, I kept at bay with some bleach and elbow grease. And I guess I was giving my landlord the benefit of the doubt with my calls about needing a solution (a long-term, structural one) that he would understand the seriousness and pressing nature of the problem. My phone calls always started with me trying to convey my frustration and need for an immediate addressing of the problem, and invariably ended with me feeling like it wasn't that big a deal (that he would get around to it when things dried out).

Well, I just wrote the letter and made an appointment with the UT Legal Clinic (free for us poor ass grad students) and am feeling good about not only the reality of a new place to live, but the possibility of a new way to live as well.

Friday Ramblings

Every Friday I find myself struggling with what to do in between my hours at the counseling center (8-11am) and then the beginning of colloquium (2pm). Today's been especially tough because of my current cold/general low energy. I walked outside for a while. I called a friend. And then I realized, I need to just go sit down someplace quiet, warm, and write.
So here I am- looking out the window in Rm 308 of the psych building, listening to the Avett Brothers on pandora, and writing. The sun is out in full force today. It's still somewhat chilly (it was that biting type on the walk in to the counseling center this morning), but the sun makes it feel warm and welcoming. It has been a much longer winter here than folks are used to. We had a taste of spring over the weekend (it was 65 degrees on Sunday)- which got everyone excited. But then it snowed two days ago!? Locals here tell me that one or two days of snow are typical in an average winter in Knoxville. We have had well over that. People here are bitter.
I'm trying not to be one of the bitter folks. I'm trying real hard. And truth be told, I think I'm just a lucky shit in the sense that the cold doesn't bug me so much. As long as the old sun's around, I'm alright. But don't get me wrong, I'm ready for spring.
Spring is magic. Spring is resurrection. Spring is redemption. Spring is hope. Spring is growth. Spring is so much and is so because of coming out of Winter. I know I'm treading into well-trodden (not to mention dangerously cheesy) territory here, but I really feel how all of the things that spring is cannot exist apart from the coldness, darkness, and deadness of winter. And though I know enough about climate change and bogusness of "everything happens for a reason" kinds of thinking (these things are dangerously related of course)- I try to stay in tune with the rhythm of the seasons. That is, even though I would love to have spring come yesterday, I have winter, and I ask myself- what is there in me that is still not fully ready to be brought to life? What, if I can be quiet and still enough, can I learn from this current season?

Can you tell that I'm a therapist in training?

Here are a few appreciations that winter has given me:
- Intentionally creating warmth in my life
-The need for solitude
-The difficulty of sitting with loneliness
-Doing the things you love no matter what
-Down comforters
-Hot coffee
-The calming and quieting effect of snow
-The importance of faith
-The importance of community- whatever it may look like
-The difficulty and necessity of asking for support
-The paradox of the strength and delicate nature of human spirit
-The paradox that we will always need others yet we must take time to be OK with being by ourselves
-Gloves
-Having grown up in a place that gets enough snow to not only

Spring Temptations and Sleep Dep Meditations

I am writing this with my eyes closed because the warmth of the sun feels soooooooo good right now.

Winter here in Knoxville has been much colder and longer than what people here are used to and everyone here is ready for Winter. Everyone except perhaps Mother Nature herself. I've been telling everyone else (perhaps to disguise my own inner desire for warmth) that all this Winter simply means that the coming of Spring will be that much more powerful. That's sort of like telling someone with a cold to think about how great it'll feel when they don't have a cold.

Ok, this is where the sleep dep starts to make its influence clear (but hey, sort of funny image at least). Regardless, the sun feels really good right now, despite my soporific state.

Just had one of those nights of fitful sleep- think I's just a little nervous about a few little details I meant to take care of yesterday and put off until this morning. Seriously, procrastination kills me sometimes. It's so funny how those little things I know I should just do in the moment (and that will continue to shoot spit wads over the wall of my subconscious- like some invisible bully in my mind just trying to annoy me- and it's never enough to really get me to do anything about it) I put off. The real irony is that my New Year's mantra is preparation, patience, and pace. I am doing better with patience, Ok with pace, and preparation just laughs and laughs at me (from behind the same wall as procrastination- procrastination loves to get preparation going).

I smile just thinking about how I try to write in this thing to try to capture little stories worth sharing, insights gained, and new epiphanies experience...and how, a lot of the biggest lessons I have learned and am learning, are the same basic ones over and over again. I'm sure this has a lot to do with my being such a weird blend of perfectionist and shitball procrastinator- but probably even more so to do with that I'm a beginning therapist in training. When I'm working with clients, I can't help but look at my own shortcomings and areas for growth. But again I'm so struck by how a few very simple lessons (i.e. think before you speak, do what you know needs to be done, write it down, slow down, and let go). I'm learning that that last one in the list (despite it being tatooed on my body) is one of the hardest. You hear people say it all the time- just let go. Let go. Ok well.....just let....but.....I know, it's just that....Ok.....ahhhhhhhhhhh.

I think I may have just described both the inner experience of "letting go" and also "letting one go". Speaking of which......

The Groundhog Was Right

It's frickin cold here in Knoxville.

It's like 24 degrees right now. It's snowing. People here are confused and cold. From what I'm told, there's usually only one day (if any) of snow here in Knoxville. We have had snow off and on for pretty much the last week. Having been through real winters of the West, I think I'm better prepared to cope with this continued cold snap. But really I'm ready, like everbody else, for the warmth of spring.

I'm happy to report that, despite the cold, the small group of folks who play community ultimate here played through and in the snow. They play on Sundays and Wednesdays and I played both days last week. I missed this Sunday because I was down in Atlanta visiting Phil, Ali, and Gabriela. But it was so much fun to be back out on the field, running, laughing, and throwing the ole disc around. I think this crew of good natured, obviously hearty folks will be a great group to play with twice a week. I may even go to a tournament over Spring Break with them.

Speaking of Spring Break, it's like right around the corner. I really hope that the temps warm up by then (beginning of March) so that I can capitalize on some outside time. I woke up this morning and the birds were singing with a little extra pep, and I think they were pleading their case with winter and doing their best to coax spring into coming sooner than later. However, after visiting Phil, Ali, and Gabriela this weekend, I was reminded that I have a place that's just down the way that even when the temps are freezing, there's always plenty of warmth.

10 Random Thoughts on a Thursday Morning

1. The last few mornings the birds have been excitedly chirping...

...today their efforts were half-hearted at best.

2. I don't know how many of you are coffee drinkers as well as semi-superstitious, but I love how every morning's batch of coffee is just a little different. Today it was so strong I saw one of my chest hairs doing the caterpillar.

3. Why did I end up with a white computer? Every little chunk and speck of dust shows up on this thing. Eew.

4. Pretty much everyday that I walk to the eleventh street parking garage there are little kids running around outside at the day care center across the street. I feel like if you hear the sound of little kids laughing and playing and it doesn't get you smiling, you should consult with a psychologist.

5. How come every time I try to plan to do yoga, I end up having to push myself to try to relax? Why is relaxing so hard? Weird.

6. I love the word "weird".

7. I love the word "awkward" better.

8. If you had to choose between being a viking or a pirate- which would you choose?

9. I watched Risky Business for the first time last night. Sometimes you just gotta say...

10. Huh?