Thankful Things

I just got back in to Knoxville and I am thankful for the most basic thing any of us can be thankful for- life.

Holy shit. I thought for a second I was back in Mexico. I mean, we are driving on straight freeway and the bus driver made it feel like we were winding through the death defying turns of the Sierra del Sur. Maybe it was because I was in the back of the bus, maybe it was because I was trying to work on my ethics take home final and staring down at a computer screen in a cramped seat for a rather extended period of time- whatever the case, I felt like the whole bus was fish tailing. In all my previous greyhound adventures, I don't every recall feeling unsafe. In fact, much the opposite. It's like the bus drivers get paid by the smoke break. Usually the rate of speed is more than comfortable (I even remember once thinking that I could probably jump off of the bus, roll, run it down, and get back on without the driver noticing). The real irony is that we got back a full hour early. Hey, I'm here and I'm alive, and I'm thankful.

I am also thankful time together with family. I just can't believe the serendipity of having applied to 9 schools, been accepted to one, and having it be the one that's across the country from the rest of my family, yet only 3 and a half hours away from Phil, Ali, and Gabriela. There's something palpably sacred about spending time with people who have known you your whole life, know all your quirks, and love you just the same- is pretty special. All this past week I have felt that sense of ease that only come with being in the presence of people like this. I am fortunate enough to call these people my family.

When I pulled in to Atlanta on Tuesday night, Phil was there, his usual smiling, handsome self ready to assume our summertime ritual of drinking beer and playing WII golf. We participated in this ritual most nights together, after the rest of the crew was down for the count. We even got Uncle Mark to play with us one night. I enjoyed hearing from Ali how nice it is to be able to see the finishing line with graduate school. She always amazes me with how she has the energy to be a mom, wife, full-time student, and seemingly have as much energy as Gabriela at any given time. I am also amazed at her ability to tell customer service people exactly what she's feeling (I really do admire this Als). And of course, I loved just getting to be around the little one. She is true to her biblical, angelic name. She is true, radiant, glowing joy (except for at night, when she is a force to be reckoned with) and so curious and smart. She is getting good with words she's known for a while (i.e. mommy, daddy, agua, up, cheese, please, and pavo) and she even learned to say abuelo and abuela over the break. And she calls me "tike". Dear lord, if that isn't enough to melt your heart.

It was extra special to have Uncle Mark and Cynthia out as well. I love the familiarity of Uncle Mark's dry wit and sense of sarcasm (as well as his unbelievable talent for baking- we had a triple layer chocolate mousse cake that my body and taste buds are still processing). I love Cynthia's gentle kindness and easy-going way. I really enjoyed talking about books, school, and how we as people find rootedness. She's a very in tune person.

Now I'm back in Knoxville and back for a push to the finish before X-mas break starts. I have my last two classes of the semester on Tuesday. All of my schoolwork is supposed to be done by Tuesday! I still have an ethics final to crank out, as well as one last short paper for my personality theories class. Even though I feel a little pressured to get that all done in the next two days (and wish I would've worked more on them over the break), I am even thankful for having the opportunity to be a graduate student.

Lots of love and gratitude to you all-

Moments of Clarity

I have no idea who of you (except for you mom) still read this thing.

But I hope some of you still do.

You ever just get flooded with a powerful sense of clarity?

Yeah, it's gonna be one of THOSE kind of blogs. So if you can't deal with that, I respect that.

It's near 2:30 in the morning (which arguably may have something to do with my perceived state of clarity), and I was just laying in bed after a more or less normal day when it just hit me. I just wanted to start crying. It was like this wave of pure gratitude washed straight over my prostrate body, and in one feel swoop I felt clean and clear. All at once I felt how lucky I am to have such a wonderful family, such kind, loyal friends, and to have the opportunity to pursue something I am passionate about.

Here I should also note that it is the end of the first semester out here. I have been pretty much drinking coffee and writing papers for the last week and a half. The coffee may have something to do with my being up at this hour, which, again, I'm sure has something to do with my current state of "clarity". Maybe someday really smart neuroscientists out there will be able to identify just exactly why and how these moments come (presumably being tired, stressed, lonely, and, oh yeah I forgot to mention that I also was reading Mary Pipher's "Letters to a Young Therapist" as I was laying in bed). Secretly I hope they never do.

While I'm sure that in the same way the make up of any experience (specifically attempting to be able to precisely pinpoint causality) is almost always more complex than we can understand right away, I think much of this comes from the paradox of having to be far away from home to realize how truly important it is. I don't think I've been as in love with (or at least in gratitude for) my homeland- Idaho (and really the great Northwest). I'm such a lucky little fart to have been born into my family, to have grown up in beautiful northern Idaho, to have gone off to a small college where I met both professors and friends (some of them professors who are now friends) who are some of the brightest and best human beings on this planet, and to be old enough and aware enough to be able to appreciate this...is now actually making me cry.

I guess I just felt the need to say just how much I love my family, my friends, and my beloved home country.

I'll leave you with a couple of quotations from Robert Frost (as quoted in Mary Pipher's "Letters to a Young Therapist"):

"Home is where when you go there they have to take you in."

"Families are something you haven't to deserve."


That was my moment of clarity. I hope it lasts until I fall asleep and that maybe, just maybe it sparks one for you.

A Little Churching Up

I went to church today.

I haven't been to church since I moved here. Before that, I think it must have been my visit to Nez Perce with Granny and Gramps. I don't know how much is some sort of ingrained Lutheran Pastor's Kid sense for needing to feel like I'm a good boy. I don't know how much is just my need for a sense of community. Perhaps it's even more basic than either of these. Maybe it's just the need to something other than school. Truth is, I think I have always felt a sense of longing for church when I'm in period of transition.

I got it when I lived in Seattle. I got it more in Bozeman. I have it even more in just the short time I've been here in Knoxville. The past few Sundays, I've simply opted for late sleeping, strong coffee, and the New York Times. While this CAN be a spiritual experience (especially on the mornings Maureen Dowd is really on fire), it's different from sitting in a big old beautiful church, singing songs, and giving thanks to God with fellow human beings. I woke up this morning, and just felt the need to go. So, I went.

In classic fashion, I forgot exactly where the church was and got mildly lost (which is hilarious when you consider how large St. John's Lutheran Church is). I showed up right as the service was starting, and was somewhat surprised to find the pews more or less packed. I had to ask a sweet old lady with her cane hanging off the pew if she would be willing to let me sit next to her. She sweetly smiled and let me in. She even gave me a hug at the sharing of the peace.

I debated whether to go to the Unitarian Universalist (the hippest, most liberal, and furthest option), the Episcopal (the closest), or the ELCA Lutheran (the most familiar and most beautiful building). After getting up at the last possible second and thinking that really I'd like to feel some sense of familiarity with the service, songs, and people- I went to St. John's.

So after finding my place next to the sweet old lady, I jumped in with the prayers, hymns (mostly familiar- but classically written in keys that only real singers can read), and just enjoyed being in a holy place. Today was a cloudless, bright, beautiful Fall day, and this meant that the huge stained glass windows in the church were in full splendor. The imagery with Jesus and the lambs and that still creeps me out a little. But I think stained glass is beautiful. The pastor was a woman whose accent seemed to place her locally (I'm still learning how to distinguish between Georgia, Tennessee, North Carolina, etc.). She preached on what it means to be good stewards. Its quality was about on par with what I think of as the general quality of Lutheran potluck cuisine- mostly filling, fairly satisfying, just nothing spectacular. And for today, that was all I really needed.

I enjoyed the simplicity of prayer. I connected with my need for a sense of community. In the words of Garrison Keilor- "once you're Lutheran, you're never not Lutheran." Something like that anyway. Anyhow- I thought about staying afterward for coffee and fellowship and then as my memories of potlucks and the questionable quality of both food and conversation, I rode home.

I still don't know exactly where I stand with all this church stuff, other'n I do feel the need to spend time in church now and again. I think I'll try out a few more churches here. Who knows, maybe there are some real good potlucks out here!?