What a difference a week makes

It's 7pm on a beautiful Tennessee evening- and I'm taking it all in. Had my usual graduate student/bachelor meal of quesadillas and carrots, and am rewarding myself for actually being mostly productive this evening with a cold beer (Yuengling- weird name- never seen it before coming down South-but quite good at the end of a long day).

It's been a weird, wild, and wonderful week in Lake Woebegone (as Garrison would say). I'm very happy to say that I feel much less like the inexperienced big wave surfer of last week. I'm feeling much more like I'm a beginning dancer in a very established dance company, and I'm finally getting some of the basic steps. Still mostly feeling like a painfully obvious beginner, but showing some signs of progress. Except for one hilarious incident involving me sending an email to an incorrect address (and forgetting a particular evaluation sheet today), I've managed to minimize my usual forgetfulness and general spaciness.

Today I conducted my first semi-real pseudo counseling session. In preparation for the voluntary Pscyh 110 students that I and the other 6 first-years will be seeing as clients in about two weeks, this week we were all asked to conduct a mini-session (although it was a full 50 minutes) with a third-year student. I worked with a very considerate gal named Marci who did a great job making a pseudo session real. She had some very good, concrete feedback for me as a beginning therapist. She said that because I am naturally warm and good at making someone feel welcome, I don't need to try so hard at letting the client know that they are safe. She also said that she could tell I wanted to make her feel better about things, and that while it's easy as a beginner to want to do this, it's not our job. In fact, it may be just the opposite. That is, therapy is a place where people have the opportunity to experience fully, and without judgment, whatever they are experiencing. I really liked that.

It's so true for me. I really like making people laugh and helping them to laugh at the darkness and grossness of life. But the reality is that if those dark and gross feelings aren't fully experienced, they fester. The hard truth is that as a therapist one has to continually do their best to get better at allowing whatever comes up for a client to be experienced directly for themselves in themselves. It's like how parents shelter their kids from the certain hard parts of life- sadness, grief, conflict, and death to name a few. To truly be helpful, sometimes the best thing to do is simply be there. That's hard.

But after our interaction today, I felt both affirmed and ready to continue with getting better at this challenging line of work. She made my whole day when responding to an email of mine with a comment about that she'd forgotten to tell me that she thought I was a real natural and definitely in the right line of work. Nice to have confirmation that I'm on the right path. It's a long way to go...


...but I'm heading in the right direction.

Waiting for the Wave to Come

I'm sitting upright on my board on a beautiful bright day. The waves are coming in consistently but calmly. I ride a few at my choosing and enjoy feeling like I'm able to ride how and when I want. Then I feel it. You know how you can sense the presence of someone from behind you or something looming amorphously in the future? Well, that sense is screaming at me. 

I turn, look, and see the largest wave I've ever seen. It's still far enough out that I'm pretty sure I could beat it to shore and escape. But there's a small and real chance that I'll get picked up right before making it to safety and thrown into the sand like a rag doll. I'm not so excited about that possibility, so I take a moment to breathe deep, close my eyes, and say a little prayer. The prayer goes something like: "Dear lord baby Jesus (not really- just threw that in), give me the courage to ride this one out." 

Then I take another deep breath, properly position myself on my board, and get ready to ride the wave of my life. 

OK I know this may seem melodramatic (of course it is), but this is the perfect analogy for my current graduate school experience.  I promise I'll drop the surfing analogy- just give me a second.  Seriously, today I finally saw and fully appreciated the power of the PhD ocean. The time for hanging out on the small waves is done. Time to dig deep and find the courage to ride the waves that really challenge me as a rider. Ok I'm done.

This is all to say that the amount of work that goes into successfully navigating a PhD program (specifcally when you are 6 yeas removed from school and have only just learned how to use Microsoft Excel as well as Powerpoint). Jesus Lord. That's become my new go-to phrase. Sorry if I offend anyone. Actually, now that I think about it, I probably should stop using that. My ethics class has me paying much more attention to everything I say, communicate, and do. Which, I think, is a good thing.

OK back to the analogy...I knew this wave was gonna be a big one. I even chose it. Truth is, I'm ready to do my best Laird Hamilton. I just hope that I don't chip my tooth on my board.

Short But Sweet

Get to go down to Atlanta this morning.

I am so excited to see Gabriela and the crew. It truly blows my mind how fast things seem to be moving. Today marks one month here in Knoxville and I left Atlanta back almost two months ago. It already seems like lifetimes ago. I have a feeling that this sense of things moving quickly is not only here to stay, but will continue to grow as each year includes a little bit more.

Regardless, sitting here looking out the window on a sleepy, misty, beautiful Saturday morning- I am so grateful to get some time in with family. Get to see Gabriella. Get to hang on the deck with Phil. Get to hear the updated Midwife stories from Ali. And get to talk sports with Judy. 

A quick note specifically to you Mom- sorry the phone thing didn't work out. But I'm excited to have you back in the states next week!!!! We'll be able to catch up a bit more easily and I look forward to hearing all about this adventure you've been on. Safe travels and thank Pete for his great updates.

Love to you all