The Other Pasture: Why's it Gotta Look So Damn Green?

I mean, I know why. You know why. So why can't I catch myself making it so green that all I want to do is run over to it and frolick naked and free? That's the real question.

So what the hell am I talking about?

I am talking about how today I had one of those, "it'll all be better when I'm not a student" moments. Not that unexpected seeing as how I'm a first year PhD student. Even less expected seeing as how I'm Isaac Curtiss Brandt. Man I can really be flighty and fantastical in my thinking. That last sentence was probably redundant.

Anyhow, after having a bit of a freak out after really contemplating what I think is the thin line between sacrificing and suffering. It's one thing to be consciously choosing the sacrifice of the lonely grad student life for the eventual satisfaction (and hoped for fulfillment) and security. It's quite another to just be unconsciously suffering through something (whatever the underlying motivation may be). I know, I know, I'm probably starting to sound a bit Freudian here. But stick with me.

Two things. One, I think that this is the first time in my life that I've committed to something requiring serious sacrifice. Two, I'm realizing that I didn't fully comprehend (really how could I have) just how big a sacrifice it would be to leave my close friendships, family, and familiar surroundings. Three (you knew there couldn't be just TWO things), I'm not good at sacrificing. I am extremely selfish. I am also extremely childish. I think it may ultimately just come down to the fact that I pretty much just want to play all the time. Can't do that in grad school.

Good news is that I do HAVE to play in order to be a healthy, effective grad student. Bad news is that I can't always play when I want to (which is pretty much all the time). Even harder news is that because I don't have that circle of close friends I can just call up to hang out with, I have to be willing to do things solo. The days I can just accept my loneliness, the grass in my pasture seems plenty green. Actually, when I'm in that accepting frame of mind, I don't even see that other pasture.

Funny how that works.

The Old and the New

I'm sitting in the outdoor amphitheatre on campus watching some friends throw a frisbee and feeling the warm spring sun temper the biting, winter wind still in the air.

You know how sometimes, when you're stressed, and someone asks you, "hey man, how are you?"- and despite all that's going on, you realize, perhaps only because you had to really stop and think about it, that you are doing quite well despite all that's going on. Yeah, that's me today.

I just finished writing a letter outlining that I am planning to break my lease at my current apartment. This may come as a real shock to the few of you who actually read this (namely you mom), and I think probably did somewhat to my landlord. However, I have been more or less for the last month sleeping in my living room as there is water in my bedroom. The mold that was growing on the walls, I kept at bay with some bleach and elbow grease. And I guess I was giving my landlord the benefit of the doubt with my calls about needing a solution (a long-term, structural one) that he would understand the seriousness and pressing nature of the problem. My phone calls always started with me trying to convey my frustration and need for an immediate addressing of the problem, and invariably ended with me feeling like it wasn't that big a deal (that he would get around to it when things dried out).

Well, I just wrote the letter and made an appointment with the UT Legal Clinic (free for us poor ass grad students) and am feeling good about not only the reality of a new place to live, but the possibility of a new way to live as well.

Friday Ramblings

Every Friday I find myself struggling with what to do in between my hours at the counseling center (8-11am) and then the beginning of colloquium (2pm). Today's been especially tough because of my current cold/general low energy. I walked outside for a while. I called a friend. And then I realized, I need to just go sit down someplace quiet, warm, and write.
So here I am- looking out the window in Rm 308 of the psych building, listening to the Avett Brothers on pandora, and writing. The sun is out in full force today. It's still somewhat chilly (it was that biting type on the walk in to the counseling center this morning), but the sun makes it feel warm and welcoming. It has been a much longer winter here than folks are used to. We had a taste of spring over the weekend (it was 65 degrees on Sunday)- which got everyone excited. But then it snowed two days ago!? Locals here tell me that one or two days of snow are typical in an average winter in Knoxville. We have had well over that. People here are bitter.
I'm trying not to be one of the bitter folks. I'm trying real hard. And truth be told, I think I'm just a lucky shit in the sense that the cold doesn't bug me so much. As long as the old sun's around, I'm alright. But don't get me wrong, I'm ready for spring.
Spring is magic. Spring is resurrection. Spring is redemption. Spring is hope. Spring is growth. Spring is so much and is so because of coming out of Winter. I know I'm treading into well-trodden (not to mention dangerously cheesy) territory here, but I really feel how all of the things that spring is cannot exist apart from the coldness, darkness, and deadness of winter. And though I know enough about climate change and bogusness of "everything happens for a reason" kinds of thinking (these things are dangerously related of course)- I try to stay in tune with the rhythm of the seasons. That is, even though I would love to have spring come yesterday, I have winter, and I ask myself- what is there in me that is still not fully ready to be brought to life? What, if I can be quiet and still enough, can I learn from this current season?

Can you tell that I'm a therapist in training?

Here are a few appreciations that winter has given me:
- Intentionally creating warmth in my life
-The need for solitude
-The difficulty of sitting with loneliness
-Doing the things you love no matter what
-Down comforters
-Hot coffee
-The calming and quieting effect of snow
-The importance of faith
-The importance of community- whatever it may look like
-The difficulty and necessity of asking for support
-The paradox of the strength and delicate nature of human spirit
-The paradox that we will always need others yet we must take time to be OK with being by ourselves
-Gloves
-Having grown up in a place that gets enough snow to not only

Spring Temptations and Sleep Dep Meditations

I am writing this with my eyes closed because the warmth of the sun feels soooooooo good right now.

Winter here in Knoxville has been much colder and longer than what people here are used to and everyone here is ready for Winter. Everyone except perhaps Mother Nature herself. I've been telling everyone else (perhaps to disguise my own inner desire for warmth) that all this Winter simply means that the coming of Spring will be that much more powerful. That's sort of like telling someone with a cold to think about how great it'll feel when they don't have a cold.

Ok, this is where the sleep dep starts to make its influence clear (but hey, sort of funny image at least). Regardless, the sun feels really good right now, despite my soporific state.

Just had one of those nights of fitful sleep- think I's just a little nervous about a few little details I meant to take care of yesterday and put off until this morning. Seriously, procrastination kills me sometimes. It's so funny how those little things I know I should just do in the moment (and that will continue to shoot spit wads over the wall of my subconscious- like some invisible bully in my mind just trying to annoy me- and it's never enough to really get me to do anything about it) I put off. The real irony is that my New Year's mantra is preparation, patience, and pace. I am doing better with patience, Ok with pace, and preparation just laughs and laughs at me (from behind the same wall as procrastination- procrastination loves to get preparation going).

I smile just thinking about how I try to write in this thing to try to capture little stories worth sharing, insights gained, and new epiphanies experience...and how, a lot of the biggest lessons I have learned and am learning, are the same basic ones over and over again. I'm sure this has a lot to do with my being such a weird blend of perfectionist and shitball procrastinator- but probably even more so to do with that I'm a beginning therapist in training. When I'm working with clients, I can't help but look at my own shortcomings and areas for growth. But again I'm so struck by how a few very simple lessons (i.e. think before you speak, do what you know needs to be done, write it down, slow down, and let go). I'm learning that that last one in the list (despite it being tatooed on my body) is one of the hardest. You hear people say it all the time- just let go. Let go. Ok well.....just let....but.....I know, it's just that....Ok.....ahhhhhhhhhhh.

I think I may have just described both the inner experience of "letting go" and also "letting one go". Speaking of which......

The Groundhog Was Right

It's frickin cold here in Knoxville.

It's like 24 degrees right now. It's snowing. People here are confused and cold. From what I'm told, there's usually only one day (if any) of snow here in Knoxville. We have had snow off and on for pretty much the last week. Having been through real winters of the West, I think I'm better prepared to cope with this continued cold snap. But really I'm ready, like everbody else, for the warmth of spring.

I'm happy to report that, despite the cold, the small group of folks who play community ultimate here played through and in the snow. They play on Sundays and Wednesdays and I played both days last week. I missed this Sunday because I was down in Atlanta visiting Phil, Ali, and Gabriela. But it was so much fun to be back out on the field, running, laughing, and throwing the ole disc around. I think this crew of good natured, obviously hearty folks will be a great group to play with twice a week. I may even go to a tournament over Spring Break with them.

Speaking of Spring Break, it's like right around the corner. I really hope that the temps warm up by then (beginning of March) so that I can capitalize on some outside time. I woke up this morning and the birds were singing with a little extra pep, and I think they were pleading their case with winter and doing their best to coax spring into coming sooner than later. However, after visiting Phil, Ali, and Gabriela this weekend, I was reminded that I have a place that's just down the way that even when the temps are freezing, there's always plenty of warmth.

10 Random Thoughts on a Thursday Morning

1. The last few mornings the birds have been excitedly chirping...

...today their efforts were half-hearted at best.

2. I don't know how many of you are coffee drinkers as well as semi-superstitious, but I love how every morning's batch of coffee is just a little different. Today it was so strong I saw one of my chest hairs doing the caterpillar.

3. Why did I end up with a white computer? Every little chunk and speck of dust shows up on this thing. Eew.

4. Pretty much everyday that I walk to the eleventh street parking garage there are little kids running around outside at the day care center across the street. I feel like if you hear the sound of little kids laughing and playing and it doesn't get you smiling, you should consult with a psychologist.

5. How come every time I try to plan to do yoga, I end up having to push myself to try to relax? Why is relaxing so hard? Weird.

6. I love the word "weird".

7. I love the word "awkward" better.

8. If you had to choose between being a viking or a pirate- which would you choose?

9. I watched Risky Business for the first time last night. Sometimes you just gotta say...

10. Huh?

Great Start...

...to what already has been a great year.

Bringing in the new year this year with Bradley, Joel, Jens, their signficant others (not the least of which is the newest arrival, Osa) was such a treat. Despite being sick with a cold, despite literally not being able to see the fireworks, I was reminded of just how wonderful and fulfilling time spent together is.

Then, I got to drive my favorite material gift of the holidays- my new car (seriously- such an awesome and hugely generous gift mom)- cross country and visit more of my fabulous friends. I got to do the first leg of the trip with Joel from Seattle to Spokane. I stayed the night with him in his great new place; we laughed and laughed and laughed some more. Joel is such a unique blend of ease, hilarity, kindness, and just general good energy. I wish I could've had another full day with the guy.

The next day I made my way to Bozeman. I got to have beers with Colter Anderson- one of my buddies from Three Rivers- and we had such a great time catching up, philosophizing about love, and sharing our dreams. I stayed the night with the Barbol-Eisels (I apologize Carrie if I misspelled either one of your names!?) just up the street from dowtown Bozeman. My favorite part of this was definitely seeing how Justin and Carrie's kids- Marley (4) and Freia (2) have continued to get cuter and more hilarious. I, of course, loved that they remembered me and that I got to read them their bedtime story. Loved it.

The next morning I got to have breakfast with Colter and another good Three Rivers friend, Hannah Arm. We ate at the breakfast joint (the Nova) where we would religiously meet at the end of a week of working with stinky, challenging teens in the woods. We had a great time catching up with the new stuff and reminiscing about experiences that only those who have worked at a wilderness therapy program know about (i.e. dealing with students that poop themselves- awesome).

After a nice nap and some great games of ping pong with Justin out in his garage, I hit the road again, heading for nearby Billings. Thankfully I got off the road just as the weather got nasty, and I was welcomed by yet another cute bunch of kids. This time it was my dear friends Adam and Sarah Lord-Sundtroms' little ones- Nora (3?) and Eric (1?). Nora was super hilarious- running all over the place- though somewhat suprisingly shy. Eric just smiled and smiled. I got to sit down and have a delicious meal of stuffed peppers and grilled marinated antelope thanks to Adam. After the little ones went down, Adam, Sarah, and I shared old stories and generally genuflected on all that has happened in these last years. Sarah noted that she had been graduated from PLU for 10 years! Hard to believe how so much can happen in so little relative time.

We woke up to about 7 inches of fresh snow and I thought for second that I might need to hunker down in Billings for another day. But by noon, the snow stopped, the sun came out, and the perfectly blue skies called me out to at least check on the freeway conditions (which were also clear). I made it as far as the daylight lasted which was Gilette, WY.

I stayed the night in the Super 8 in Gillette, somewhat disappointed by the level of non-smokingness in my non-smoking room, but nonetheless happy to be somewhere warm and off the road (it was -30 degrees in Gillette). I went to bed early and was up early, glad to see that while cold, there was no new snow, and the roads were clear and the skies once again blue. The drive across eastern Wyoming and South Dakota was surprisingly beautiful. The glimmering snow crystals swept over the road and through the air; the mountains, endless blue sky, and then the black hills area- it was like I had been transported to a literally and figuratively moving painting of the artic. Beautiful.

I pulled into Mitchell, South Dakota looking for the most economical motel option. I found the Motel 6 as I saw they were advertising 35 dollars a night. I asked for the student discount, gave the sad "i'm a poor ass grad student" eyes, and was rewarded with a room for 30 dollars. Not bad. This happened to be the night of the BCS Championship Game which ended up being disappointing, bizarre, and probably not as entertaining as the Corn Palace for which Mitchell is famous. Had it not been -40, I may have opted for the Corn Palace. Alas, it was so cold my boogers froze the moment I opened the motel door.

The next day I made it all the way to Waupun, WI. I pulled into Waupun and shared dinner with great aunt Ardell and great uncle Milon. We had hotdish. It was great to sit and catch up with them. Ardell looks like she could keep going for another 20 years without slowing down much, while Milon looks to be on his last legs. It was hard to see how weak he is and how much it takes out of Ardell to care for him (interestingly the reverse roles with Grandma and Grandpa). But we got him out of the house the next morning for breakfast at Helen's Kitchen, this great local family restaraunt. We met up with Ruth Ann and Cal as well as Marge. It was funny to feel this weird sense of connection having for so many years been miles apart and then having had the opportunity to visit them twice in less than six months. I really enjoyed getting caught up on the comings and goings of all their family (though struggled to keep all of the little ones they all have straight!) and, of course, catching them up on Grandpa, Grandma, and the rest of the Braun-Landaal side of the family. We had a great time drinking coffee and chatting.

Ardell, sweetheart that she is, drove with me to their local gas station and helped fill the tank before I began the penultimate stage of my journey. I had a nice moment with her telling her how much it meant to be able to stop in on them, feel so loved, and that I would be keeping her and Milon in my prayers. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and I was off.

Driving through Illinois and eventually into Indiana, I was again blown away by just how surprisingly beautiful places are made by the simple addition of snow. All of the otherwise drab and unbelievably flat scenery became this beautiful white canvas that the sun danced on all day. I listened to NPR shows one after another. I drank coffee. I pulled into Evansville, IN sometime around 9pm and was greeted by Skyler York, one of Joel's Grad school buddies who, along with his wife, Melinda, hail from Tennessee and are some of the true salt of the earth types. I got their number from Joel and they said they'd be more than happy to host me for the night. They were in the middle of their first house-warming party, as they had themselves just moved into this beautiful new place two months previously. It was fun to walk into the middle of a party. It was somewhat strange to barely know Skyler and Melinda and then be meeting all these other totally new people, but mostly it was a party. We drank beer and played foosball- what better way to end a long day of driving by yourself?

After a delicious and thoughtful breakfast of biscuits, omelettes, and coffee with Skyler and Melinda, I hit the road to finish the last leg of my near-transcontinental drive. Again I was blessed with clear blue skies and dry roads. I listened to the groovy local college station for as far as its little waves would carry it. When I was out of range I switched to the Ravens crush the Patriots- with a smile on my face. And the exciting Kansas v. U Tennessee Men's basketball brought me the rest of the way. What a way to come back to Knoxville- safe, sound, and with an upset of the then number 1 men's basketball team in the nation.

So I've been back for a week now and am happy to report that the theme of good starts has carried through the technical first week of school as well. Though I only had one official class and a couple of long days at the counseling center with no clients as yet, it was nice to have a week to mentally, emotionally, and logistically prepare for the semester. Last semster I felt that I had suddenly found myself in a kayak in the middle of some class 4 water- not unmanageable, but extremely challenging and somewhat of a shock to the system. This semester has felt like a nice walk to the shore with my gear, all of which I have double checked (well, mostly), and a nice easy entry into a mostly calm eddy. I do see some serious white water ahead, but I feel much more prepared. Plus, we just got a three day weekend to start this week.

My dear friend Michael Fox took advantage of this and booked tickets to come visit me this long weekend, which I'm still savoring. He came on Friday and left this Monday morning. We caught great local live music, saw two UT basketball games (one men's and one women's), had an awesome Sunday afternoon cheering his Favre-led Vikings on over the cocky Cowboys. That was super fun. We actually bought Favre T-shirts with the stipend Michael got from the airlines losing his luggage (with his superstitiously needed Favre jersey in it) and at one point were so into that we were asked to calm down. I guess technically we were asked to make sure we watched our use of the "s-word", it was a family establishment after all. I felt bad and apologized to the manager, but ultimately Michael and I just laughed about how into the game we both had gotten. We just had fun from start to finish, and I really can't believe how fast the weekend went by. I was sad to see him go and glad to get as much time as we got.

Anyhow, it feels like this year is off to a great start.