The Other Pasture: Why's it Gotta Look So Damn Green?

I mean, I know why. You know why. So why can't I catch myself making it so green that all I want to do is run over to it and frolick naked and free? That's the real question.

So what the hell am I talking about?

I am talking about how today I had one of those, "it'll all be better when I'm not a student" moments. Not that unexpected seeing as how I'm a first year PhD student. Even less expected seeing as how I'm Isaac Curtiss Brandt. Man I can really be flighty and fantastical in my thinking. That last sentence was probably redundant.

Anyhow, after having a bit of a freak out after really contemplating what I think is the thin line between sacrificing and suffering. It's one thing to be consciously choosing the sacrifice of the lonely grad student life for the eventual satisfaction (and hoped for fulfillment) and security. It's quite another to just be unconsciously suffering through something (whatever the underlying motivation may be). I know, I know, I'm probably starting to sound a bit Freudian here. But stick with me.

Two things. One, I think that this is the first time in my life that I've committed to something requiring serious sacrifice. Two, I'm realizing that I didn't fully comprehend (really how could I have) just how big a sacrifice it would be to leave my close friendships, family, and familiar surroundings. Three (you knew there couldn't be just TWO things), I'm not good at sacrificing. I am extremely selfish. I am also extremely childish. I think it may ultimately just come down to the fact that I pretty much just want to play all the time. Can't do that in grad school.

Good news is that I do HAVE to play in order to be a healthy, effective grad student. Bad news is that I can't always play when I want to (which is pretty much all the time). Even harder news is that because I don't have that circle of close friends I can just call up to hang out with, I have to be willing to do things solo. The days I can just accept my loneliness, the grass in my pasture seems plenty green. Actually, when I'm in that accepting frame of mind, I don't even see that other pasture.

Funny how that works.