Funny part is I don't feel tired really at all. I think I truly may be part dog. It's like I really only have two settings: off and on. I wake up and I'm ready to run, play, and eat. Sometimes I wish I was more like a cat: able to sleep anywhere anytime. But I am definitely a dog.
I'm pretty sure that I'm also up because of a certain feeling that has filled me. Being a dog- I am prone to the whimsy of instinct, pangs of hunger, and the blinding focus of love. And I can't hide what I'm feeling anymore than a golden retriever can act calm around an open field full of birds.
I'm pretty sure you all can pick up my scent.
Anyhow- laying awake downstairs staring out the window- it occurs to me once more just how powerful this time in Moscow has been. Today is the 7th of April and I have now been here 6 months. I have lived here at 489 Paradise Dr. for six months! That's pretty damned amazing on several levels. The patience and emotional stamina required to gracefully (key word) live with Grandma in her current state are things easily achieved. The ability to listen to Grandpa's quirky, silly, and mostly lame jokes on a day -to- day basis is a capacity that one can only cultivate with great discipline, practice, and perseverance. Ok enough of my melodramatic antics...for now.
But the funniest part about this whole experience is just how much I'm gonna miss this place. The true irony and beauty is that all of the things I have made fun of, poked at, and seemed to be annoyed by- are all of the things that I also love most about living here. And maybe that's all love really is anyway- being able to truly accept another human being for ALL that they are and ALL that they are NOT. I am so deeply in debt to the love that Granny and Grandpa have shown me. This time here these last six months has been a gift of a magnitude that I'm only now beginning to understand. I already know that I will continue to look at this time and smile and remember just how lucky a little shit I was to have this time.
I still remember standing at the Emerson in Bozeman out under the morning sky, talking on the phone with Granny and Grandpa about my idea for this time. I originally had thought I would come out for about 3 months (that was all the longer I thought I could realistically hang in there) and then take off for Mexico at the end of February. Actually, what's really funny to think about, is just how ignorant I was (and still pretty much always am when it comes to realistic time frames) about the time frame for applying to grad school, getting a job, saving enough money to both visit schools and go to Mexico, as well as actually carving out a healthy and regular amount of time with both Granny and Gramps. That's a lot. Again- back to the dog thing- I just sort of see the open field and start running. But I remember pitching it to Granny and Grampa over the phone (for those of you who know how easy it is to have any kind of conversation with Granny and Grandpa both on the phone at the same time will probably find a small amount poo in your pants when you stop to imagine me trying to describe to Granny and Gramps my scattered, logistically crazy plan to move in with them for several months so that I could apply to grad school, save money for a trip to mexico in the spring and then to atlanta for the summer, and to get to spend to quality time helping in whatever way with Granny)- and them having a real difficult time getting my specific plan and intention. I took Mom's advice (thanks Mom) and wrote them a letter (why didn't I think of that!?). And while I'm pretty sure this helped, I'm also near certain that they pretty much understood that I needed a place to be and that they would always open their doors to me for however long I needed. That's love.
The love that I have been shown during my stay here continues to blow my mind and brings tears to my eyes pretty much at least once a day these days. I have been trying to figure out some sort of way to appropriately but ceremoniously honor both Granny and Gramps for this great gift. Obviously it'll be something simple and requiring the minimum level of energy output- I'm thinking coffee and chatting on the back porch. With Gramps, and with the showing up of Spring, it's definitely gonna be golf. But I think what I'll do is pretty much a fancier version of what I've done a couple different times already- make a nice meal with Grannie's favorite foods and bake Grandpa's favorite dessert. Just the three of us.
As of now, I am planning on coming back to Moscow at the end of my stay in Atlanta in order to take the few earthly possessions I have with me to my next destination. So I know that I'll get a chance to see them both (hopefully?) before making my way from Moscow for the foreseeable future. This feels nice that I don't have to try to force some sort of just-in-case-goodbye with Granny. And I know that one of the things that bolsters her spirit is knowing that she has things to look forward to.
Well, being as that I started this as a dog, as a dog I shall go out. I get all worked up about things. I get all anxious- tail awaggin'. And when I finally just let myself out to run it all out- I feel so much better.
Now if I could just get someone to scratch my belly.
Think I may have found someone.
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