Grandpa,
This is your Grandson Isaac. You have now had to live with me and my quirks for 6 whole months! Can you believe that 6 whole months have gone by? In some ways it feels like longer- and in some ways way less. Anyhow, it occurred to me recently that we have shared a lot of experiences during this last period of time. In some ways, I feel like I have had the chance to get to know you as a person for the first time. That is, to get to know you as Gordon Braun- not just Grandpa or Pastor Braun. But just as a fellow human being. And I am so grateful for having had this time with you. Anyhow, thinking about all of this, and realizing that I will be leaving soon (and that we rarely get time just the two of us)- I wanted to write some things down to share with you.
Firstly Grandpa- I want to say how proud I am to be your Grandson. I have watched for years all of the people who benefit from your kindness, gentleness, and ability to find the right words at the right time. And yet, it hasn’t been until this time in Moscow that I actually have realized just how MANY peoples’ lives you have touched and how- despite your being retired- you continue to do that. Pretty much anytime I’ve been out and about with you, we run into someone who knows you and whose life you have touched in some way. I still remember my first day at Tristate and meeting Gerrard and being so proud to introduce myself as “Gordon Braun’s Grandson”.
Secondly, during this time I have come to admire the values you hold and how you live what you believe. You are a man of your word, deep faith, and unconditional love. If you say you’re going to do something- you do it. This makes you someone that people can always count on to follow through. I admire that and strive to be more like you in this regard. I’m sure you’ve noticed my weakness in this particular area. I say that I’m going to do things, and sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. You’ve taught me that I need to think before I say that I will do things; to be more responsible about knowing what I give my word to.
You are a man of deep faith. Whether it’s taking the time to be thoughtful about a sermon, praying at the daily meal, or just stopping in to visit people in the community who are in need- your faith is the foundation upon which you’ve built your life. I think that it’s no coincidence that because you have done this- your life has been filled with so much love, goodness, and beauty. While I may not be following in your pastoral footsteps, I see the work that I am choosing to pursue as God’s work (I guess all of it is to some degree). Anyhow, I want you to know that your sense of faith is a legacy that will live out through me and my family.
Lastly, you share your love unconditionally. Whether it’s just sitting down with Granny when she’s feeling bad, telling my mom she can come and stay for as long as she needs, or telling me the same thing- I have always known that- no matter what- I am loved by you. I may be a young man, but I know how important that quality is for children to grow into healthy adults. I only know brief stories from you and your upbringing Grandpa, but the little I gather, I get the picture that that wasn’t always (if it at all) that you got from your immediate family. I say this because I want to emphasize how much I admire you for being able to provide your family with this kind of love. Not everyone (and especially not every man) does this with his/her life. You have. As it is written- ‘The love that passes all understanding”.
Finally, Grandpa, I want to tell you how much I hope that you find a way to healthily grieve and cope with Grandma’s condition. I can’t pretend to imagine what it is to watch your wife and partner of almost 60 years deteriorate and decay. What I can, after six months with you both, somewhat imagine, is the amount of daily prayer and energy it takes to be able to deal gracefully with Grandma. I see how frustrated you get. I see how all of this has taken, takes, and will take a toll on you. I know that you already know this better than me- but I just want to say that I hope that you make time for the things that keep you alive and healthy. I don’t know what reading and learning you have done about caregiver relationships- but it strikes me that with being the kind of man who is willing to be there for others, you can sometimes neglect yourself. I realize that Granny’s situation requires some serious sacrifices on your part- but I’m hoping you still can find ways to do the things you need to take care of yourself.
That said Grandps- I just want you to know that wherever I am, in the way that you have always provided for me, you have a place. It might be a futon on the ground. And you might not be doing as much traveling in these next few years, but I want you to know that I’m excited to be becoming my own man and to continue the legacy you have given to me.
With deep admiration,
Isaac
Grandma,
This is your Grandson Isaac. Hard to believe how six months has just flown by?! I’m sure that after 78 years on this earth, time passes even more quickly for you. You always said you’d like me to stay for a couple of months, and I did. I love that I asked you and Grandpa if I could come and that you both said yes. What a time this has been!?
As I sit here and think back on these last months (not to mention the previous 27 years) – we have shared many experiences. We have laughed. We have cried. We have argued. We have forgiven. And above all, we have loved. Being here in Moscow I have run into so many different people who have continually reminded me how fortunate I am to have such a loving and lively woman for a Grandma. And each time that I spend with you- I realize that a little more.
Anyhow, before I leave this place and time, I wanted to share some reflections with you. You know how you like to write notes for important things so that you don’t forget them? Well, this is one of those “notes”.
You know how you share your favorite memories of me as a little boy? Well, I think I’ll start out by sharing with you some of my favorite memories of you as my Grandma. And, honestly, the first thing that comes to mind is, funny enough, our fireside “chat”. I know this may not be one of your favorite memories, but for me it perfectly captures how, although we think very differently about things, we are very similar in our passionate feelings about how things are supposed to be done, (and how we are able to love and forgive each other). I can still see us both sitting there by the fire- you screaming like a banshee and me barking at you like a mad dog. And I can also see us then sitting on the couch with our arms around each other laughing at how silly the whole situation truly was.
And I know that one of my favorite memories will be this past Sunday’s Easter adventure. I think I told you that I did have thoughts about not going. I didn’t sleep all that well the night before, and I did feel like maybe it would be better for me to just sleep in and have a relaxing day to myself. But it was as if the voice of God was softly speaking to me, saying, “you need to go and be with your family- this chance to worship together with your grandma may not come again.” Really. I just knew that I needed to go and be there with you and Grandpa. I think I must have cried about 5 or 6 times sitting there next to you, just looking at the radiant smile on your face and seeing how happy it made you to be sitting in a church worshipping, singing, and appreciating the whole of God’s creation. You were absolutely glowing that day. I could see your spirit soaring. I know you say that it’s hard for you to imagine Heaven being more beautiful than Idaho- well, Grandma, for once, I absolutely agree with you.
Sitting here at the One World Café I remember sitting at Bucer’s with you back in August thinking that that could be the last conversation I ever would have with you. And as much as I didn’t want to believe that, I knew that we (as you always say) don’t know what God has in mind. I can still remember our conversation feeling forced- I know now that I was trying to make sure I said all of the things I felt I needed to say to you. I also wanted to make sure that you had a chance to share any last important thoughts with me. And somewhere deep inside of me, I really knew that that wasn’t supposed to be our last conversation. Well, we have had many conversations since that one. We have talked about just about everything there is to talk about. And I think that my other favorite memories of you will be just sitting and chatting with you about anything and everything.
I made a sort of list of some of the things that I have learned and admire about you.
The first thing that comes to my mind when I think of you Grandma is your gift for connecting with all different kinds of people. I don’t think you fully realize just how unique your capacity for simply talking to anyone and everyone is. You talk to famous, common, beautiful, ugly, able, disabled, short, and tall the same. Your sense for just genuinely wanting to know all people makes them feel loved, appreciated, and completely at ease. I’ve heard you say that you always hoped to be a Pastor’s wife- well, I think God had that same hope for you.
The other things that come to mind I know will make you smile. I think of your “husband” and “father” training techniques. That is, you making sure I learn about keeping the frying pan handle turned in; making sure the laundry is sorted by color; hanging up the laundry when it’s sunny; keeping the kitchen clean; and as much as I hate to admit that you’re right about this- keeping my hair looking trim and neat. It’s taken me 27 years to realize that these “little” things are actually important details that make a real difference. I don’t pretend to know God’s plan for my life- but if I am to be a husband and a father- then I will be a better one because of you. I have learned much from you Grandma.
I have heard you say several times since I have been here that you wished you could’ve been healthier for our time together. I can understand that. But what I want you to know is just how much more I feel like I’ve gotten to know the real you. I think that our truest, deepest self comes to light during the times of trial. And I am grateful and honored to have shared this time with you. I also think that these are also the times in which we as family are called to come closer together. Thinking about all of the families that do not have the opportunity to share such tender times, I can’t help but feel blessed.
I want to close by sharing just a few last observations, fears, and hopes. Having shared the same living space with you for 6 months- I have had the unique opportunity to observe how you and Grandpa do things. And as I have shared with you- I have learned much from both of you. You have been married for 57 years!!!! You have been married for more than twice as long as I have been alive! I am just a young man of 27. But I also have my own unique observations and contributions- I think. It’s not always an easy thing to be open to new ways of doing things (especially after 78 years of doing them a certain way). But I want to say that I think you have shown that you can be open to learning new ways of doing things (I think of how you’ve gotten better about what you eat and how we have talked out our frustrations on several different occasions). So what the heck am I getting at?
Well, Granny, I think one of the things I have observed is that because of your now limited energy, and because you have been so used to seeing something that needs done and just doing it: it’s difficult for you to feel like you can’t do it. I guess I just hope that you can find peace in letting go of trying to do things the way you used to, and just feel good about the things you can do. I also have observed that sometimes, even though you’re not in the mood to be outside of the house, that doing just that- getting out of the house (whatever that may be- going for a drive, going to church, having lunch with a friend) perks you up. I realize that you are slowing down, getting old, and that sometimes we all just aren’t in the mood to do anything but be comfortable at home. But I also know from my own experience, that sometimes when we are feeling the worst, that those are the exact times we need to do something to distract ourselves, do something productive, or simply be in the company of people who remind us that our problems aren’t the only ones. I think you know what I mean.
Lastly my sweet Granny- I just want you to know how glad I am to have had the chance to really get to know you better as a person. It’s easy to think of you simply as Grandma. And obviously you are my Grandma. But I have really enjoyed just getting to know YOU. Whether it’s listening to your stories about your wonderful childhood; listening to your genuine curiousity about what’s going on in the world; or watching how much you love appreciating the simple things in life (i.e. naps, sun, and the call of a bird)- you are truly a beautiful human being.
I love you Grandma. I hope this isn’t the last time I get to spend with you. But if it is- I think we both know that we have had life and had it abundantly!!!!!!
Love, love, love
Isaac
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